Men are from Mars and Women are on RSVP

When you are 30 and recently single, you feel incredibly self conscious going into the local supermarket on a Saturday night to purchase a packet pasta dinner. But you haven't done your grocery shopping because you've been depressed over a guy all week (again) and really need to eat something because you've been in bed all day. You sneak in, hoping that noone you know sees you and think of all the possible scenarios there could be for why you are buying pasta for 1 on a Saturday night and convince yourself that the others in the store, including the shop assistant, aren't thinking it's because you have just been dumped.

Ok, I haven't just been dumped per say however I have no romantic dates planned for the foreseeable future. Once you turn 30, you become aware that relationships are a lot more complicated than going for dinner to convince yourself you are having a relationship when it's really just about having the sex afterwards.

In March this year, I decided to try online dating. Here is my story.

First there was Lyndon. Younger than me at 26. Has tatoos and drives a Holden Commodore. Appearing a tad bogan but providing good conversation online, we decided to meet for dinner. We met at his favourite Thai place in Hamilton. We sat down and I thought that he was kinda cute. However when he stood up to go to the bathroom, he was wearing thongs with jeans, a singlet top and appeared to scan the room nervously. Dinner arrived way to quickly so after we ate we went to the Depot for a drink. Throughout the date, he was fidgety and couldn't maintain eye contact. He proclaimed that he was mature for his age and was a classy guy. Now, from my experience, if you have to say your are classy, you are probably not as classy as you would be led to believe. Oh and he was kicked out of home at 13 because his parents were involved in a cult. Back to the drawing board.


From here on, real names will be replaced with the nicknames they were awarded.

Next, there was the colour blind painter. A very attractive, albeit short, painting and decorating business owner, who was colour bline. We had a little in common, ie I wanted someone attractive and he had a niece and nephew whom he was close with. He was 28 and divorced (although not technically 100% divorced).. Not exactly enough to live happily ever after but I sure did try. A few dates spread out over a 3 week period, it was difficult to know where we were heading. I sniffed a few committment issues but we decided we would continue to spend time together, take it slow and see where things went....That weekend he met a girl at the park and decided he would rather go out with her instead. As my brother said "It ain't a fucking smorgasboard!" 3 weeks later, one Friday night he asked me out to the movies. Clearly the park girl didn't work out but being still hungup on his divorce....That's a deal breaker ladies!

Gayboy was a sweet 26 year old boy, working as a software engineer with my French teacher's husband. We had good conversation online but on our first date he was quite shy. Appearing keen I went on a second date with him to The Bistro on Darby st. It was his favourite place and he enjoyed listening to the man that played the piano. Gay had trimmed his nails since the first date (thank goodness) but had died his hair. I thought that was a little odd. He then talked about how much he wanted a vase to sit on the shelf in his new kitchen but hadn't been able to find one anywhere. Straight after dinner he took me home. I invited him in but apparently he had 4 other parties to go to that night..... Later that week after I suggested we meet for a drink: "Dear Janet I regretably advise...." But we'll be friends, ok? He befriended me on Facebook and I snooped through his photos. There were a lot of him in tank tops, with his arm around a guy who was also wearing a tank top.....This guy should change his ideal partner to "man" on his profile.

The teacher was a favourite amongst the work girls. He was 40 and outdoorsy. We met for a quick breakfast. Gee, he talked alot which was actually quite good because I had an appointment to get to so I just ate my breakfast. It was never going to happen.

Next there was Aiden (as in Carrie's Aiden). I nice guy who made furniture. We had a great connection online however there is a dangerous trap to chatting online for too long - you built up an image of the person, regardless of whether you think you are or not. I was looking forward to meeting this guy I had been chatting to every night for the past week. We were to meet at the Cooks Hill Art Gallery as he was an artist and I was a photographer. I nervously drove down Bull st. As I approached the gallery I saw him waiting out the front. "Oh shit, he's seen me." He was not what I was expecting and I wanted to keep driving. Because he has seen me, I parked around the corner and commenced our date which went from the gallery to The Grind, to The Del. He wanted to move on to the movies but as I sat there with my cocktail, I was thinking how much I would rather be home alone right now. Using the worst excuse ever, that I had to feed the kittens I was fostering, I broke his heart and went home depressed.

During this time, I had been receiving emails from a 42 year old photographer to was trying to impress me by writing sentences in French he has clearly googled. He immediately wanted to meet up for a cup of tea or 2. I said I was busy. He continued to email me, telling me he had had a car crash and was in hospital. Feeling guilty for not responding, I emailed again telling him I hope he got better. This, unfortunately, encouraged him and the emails continued. They provided much entertainment at lunch times but eventually I had to block him.

Then there was the doctor. A caring, brillant, French speaking man. Hard working and close to his family. His heart broken 2 years previous and won the hard fight to keep his 4 year old son in Australia. Quirky and lovable we started a romance.Late night talking over wine. Talking about each other's work and family. This week, he turns 40 and unfortunately he has realised his life is not compatible with a relationship and he has asked to remain friends for now. Tonight, I respond to his "friends request" and wonder what this will mean. I think of all those relationships that have endured seperation - William and Kate, Carrie and Big, Ross and Rachael; and my friends Bec and Andrew, Ingrid and Josh; even my parents.

To be continued....

Only suitable for 18 years and over

A breezy but warm Sunday afternoon. A waterside wedding. A group of 30 year olds and one baby stop into a local pub on the way back into town. We enter and are overwhelmed by the loud, crass music coming from the ajoining room. I glance at the lead singer - a little too old to be singing those tunes as are the local fauna dancing away to it. As we hestitate, deciding what to do, we are stopped by the publican. "where are you headed? You cant bring THAT in here". We look down to where his hand was jestering. "its under 18 you see..." well yes, generally babies ARE less than 18, this one is by 17 years and 40 weeks. As the parents stoid stunned, i jumped in to clarify that we were heading to the dining room and was that ok. Im not sure what stunned us more- the fact he referred to little Audrey as an IT, that he actually thought we' take a new born baby into THAT band area OR that he came to check up on us like we were a bunch of well dressed, sophisticated trouble makers..... Well it was Belmont afterall.

Chocolate cravings

When the need for chocolate and the desire to socialize result in a Saturday night visit to Max Brenner, get in early or be prepared to wait.... A long time.
As a thankyou for spending my Saturday doing a working bee at his house, my brother took me to Max Brenner. After parking in the wrong carpark at Charlestown, we walked through the ghost town shopping centre into a buzzing courtyard. The line up to be served was the full length of the shop so we promptly exited. The seems to be this Max Brenner craze that has hit Newcastle. I'm not that into it. It's expensive, it's rich and you feel sick after it (not as sick as you feel after leaving Sushi Train next door).
We still got our chocolate fix as we went to 3 Monkeys for brownies n ice-cream. I must admit, Darby is still a much better option-more single pretty people.

Birthday dinner

As I washed my car this afternoon, my neighbour popped his head over the fence to ask me advice on where to take his wife to dinner for her birthday tomorrow night. I stood there stunned - not because I was washing my car with a pair of old undies but because I couldn't think of a fancy place to eat dinner. My only suggestion was Bistro Tartine but apparently they don't do French. I think this is a sad state of affairs - I am 30 and am still waiting to be taken to dinner at a really fancy restaurant. I must clarify that I have been to fancy restaurants but it's generally with friends, family or, if I have gone with a man, it's because I organised and probably actually paid.

My neighbour joked that perhaps he could just take her to KFC but somehow he didn't think his wife would appreciate it. My reply was "No she wouldn't, trust me" because unfortunately, I have been taken to KFC for a date..... I continued that where ever you take her it sets the bar for your birthday later in the year. His reply was that you should get your own birthday in first then dump her before hers "Isn't that the way it goes Janet?"he asked innocently. Yes it is Brent....... Yes it is.......

Is service included?

Apparently not at Silo. When you reach 30, you start to have different expectations when it comes to dining out. Firstly, you survey the menu to see which meal has the least amount of carbs. Then, decisions on what you are going to order are made taking into consideration cost, what you couldn't make at home, how hungry you are and finally, what looks good. Also, when you turn 30, you expect a little more from your wait staff. The reason? Well, they are generally half our age and quite frankly one should respect their elders.

Four 30 years old and a baby had a windy Autumn Sunday lunch. I ordered the mussels and when it arrived there were about 6 mussel shells and a slice of baguette. My friend sitting next to me ordered the same thing. We looked at eachother and said "doesn't it come with chips?" We waited til all the meals to arrive but when we endured the usual "would you like crack pepper with that?" we realised our chips weren't coming. My friend asked the waitress who gave a half hearted apology and returned with a small bowl of chips. I waited, thinking well, we ordered the same meal so my chips must be coming. Now, I'm generally not one to squabble over a small plate of chips but considering there were only about 3 actual mussels in those shells, I decided that I was gonna need those chips. Somehow in the negotiation to get the remainder of the meal I ordered, they tried to charge me extra for it.

Chips aside, their desserts were delicious and I wished I'd ordered one because I'm unlikely to go back there. I still hold a grudge to that place when, once, they made 1 too many cocktails for us, which we didn't order, and wouldn't take it back. But, because we then drank it, they charged us for it......

Just a random mid week thought

One of my ex boyfriends used to spend his time at my house to use the internet - he didn't have it at home. My most recent boyfriend, when he returned from his "journey of self discovery" whilst harbering the guilt of wanting to pursue his fetish for short women, soaked up as much of the sci fi channel on my foxtel as possible before ending it (BTW I hope the stress of keeping that from me exacerbated his hemorroids). Oh and my house isn't rat infested.

I am contemplating getting air conditioning and I wonder whether my next love will be more interested in keeping cool in a heat wave than actually reciprocating the love and generosity that I bestow towards them.

Anyway, just a random mid week thought.

Dinner with the folks

When you turn 30, dinner out with your parents becomes a social event. The food is decadent and usually involves 3 courses and the wine expensive. And the best thing of all - Dad shouts. But, seriously you are sitting opposite people that combine all your qualities. This, combined with an evening of people watching, lends itself to an evening of witty banter, unspoken observations and obvious jokes.

Saturday night, I had dinner with the folks at Talulah. We had a table by the window with uninterrupted views of pedestrians coming to and from the Junction Hotel. I was relieved that they have added main meals to their menu as I feel the Tapas phase is getting boring and it is not conducive to saving money. The Sangria didn't really take me back to evenings in Barcelona but the Spanish sav blanc was delicious. Perhaps too delicious for some..... Some of his wine infused banter involved the following:
"God, she can barely walk in those shoes"
"Why did they cross the road then go their seperate ways?"
"Why is she standing on the corner, is she a call girl?" Dad, she is on the phone. "On the phone to a client no doubt"
"Her hips are so big I can see them either side of the No Parking sign"
"She's still on the phone"
"They only went in there, now they're are coming in here" Dad, it's called pre dinner drinks. "Free dinner drinks?" No, pre dinner drinks...Dad you really do need to get your hearing tested.
"If she wore black, she could walk around and not be seen" Please note this comment was made in reference to a Figian girl crossing the street. I think was the low point although after that he was given a gift - a lady walking past shaking and talking crossly to a Coles trolley.

My crusted fish and trio of home churned icecreams were delicious.